Free public page
Free public page
ne
final serious note...
from Scott Adams, the creator of the Dilbert
comic strip:
The counting began. The husband of a friend, gone. The husband of a business associate, gone. A regular customer of my restaurant, gone. The innocence of a generation of children, gone. Trust, gone.
We lost so much. But it put life in perspective, and that might be the one good thing to come from this. Friends and family are more precious. I am grateful for every bite of food and every drink of water....The politicians and the soldiers have their jobs to do. We all know our roles too -- somehow automatically -- a reassuring sign of our indestructible connectedness.
Now I'm going to do my job. I'm taking back my sense of humor. I hope you'll join me when you can. If you're not ready, read no further. We'll catch up later, my friend.
In that spirit, let us now proceed with an interview we conducted on 14 September 2001.
Osama bin Laden was interviewed wearing a turban, a beard, and a combination of Islamic clerical clothing and army fatigues. Jerry Falwell was wearing a business suit, along with a large red crown made of velvet and gold.
So... let me begin with the standard Prick of the Week question: just how big IS your prick, anyway?
Jerry: Twelve inches.
Osama: Twelve?? He's nuts! Absurd! He's nowhere near twelve. I myself am 8.
How big around?
Osama: Also eight. I'm the thick one.
Jerry: Twelve.
Osama: Twelve centimeters, perhaps. [Whispering, to me:] He's such a tease. Very annoying.
Which do you prefer in a partner: a big prick or a small prick?
Both [together]: A big one.
Osama: As big as a skyscraper!
Jerry: Me too!
Which is easier to keep hard -- a big prick or a small prick?
Osama: Oh, I've had a lot of trouble with mine. I'd say a big prick. I've had sex with a LOT of big pricks.
Jerry: Me too!
What famous person's prick would you like to see the most?
Osama: The prick of your President, George W. Butch.
Jerry [impishly, in a singsong voice]: I've already seen it, I've already seen it!
Osama: You have?
Jerry: Didn't I tell you? He visited me in the Lincoln bedroom at the White House.
Why the President's prick?
Osama: Because I want to play with it until it's not big and hard any more.
Jerry: Me too!
What famous person would you most like to show YOUR prick to?
Jerry: Jesus. I wish I had lived in Biblical times and had met Jesus Himself. If I had been able to show Him my prick, I'd have felt as if I'd died and gone to heaven.
Osama: Allah.
Not Mohammed?
Osama: No, Allah.
How often do guys tell you that you have a big prick?
Jerry: Not hardly often enough!
Osama: Before September 11th? I'd have to say I agree with Jerry: not hardly often enough. But since the 11th... incessantly.
I take it that from time to time guys come on to you just because you have a big prick.
Osama [rolling his eyes]: It's gotten so bad, I've had to beat them off with a stick.
Jerry [impishly]: Usually he likes to beat them off with his fist! [He makes a back-and-forth masturbating motion.]
Osama [glaring at Falwell]: Jerry, we agreed that you wouldn't...
Jerry: Sorry. [He clears his throat.] Unhhhh. Yes, guys come on to us, but remember: we're heterosexual. It's the chicks we're after.
All right then... I take it that from time to time chicks come on to you just because you have a big prick.
Osama: Incessantly.
Jerry: Since the 11th?
Osama: Correct. Since the 11th.
Jerry: In my case they've been after me ever since I grabbed Jimmy Swaggart's audience after he was caught with that prostitute. Those trailer gals sure know how to hop all over a guy on his way up.
How does that make you feel?
Osama: Feared and important.
Jerry: Powerful and important. Every time I get on the TV news, my gals are just about leapin' on to the phone trying to get my prick up their you-know-whats. I fuck 'em real good, shoot my load a few times with each of 'em.
Osama: Hard to explain. It's the greatest feeling in the world to see yourself looking armed and dangerous every time you turn on CNN. I got rock hard when I saw that first plane hit the tower, and I came in my robes without even touching my prick when I saw the second plane doing Allah's work. I came two more times when I saw the towers collapse.
Jerry: Doesn't last more than a few days, though, that feeling.
Osama: True, it doesn't last. I find I've got to cut off the hand of some thief to get really hard again.
Jerry: Or execute a sodomite. That certainly would bust my nuts.
Are you cut or uncut?
Osama: Cut. It is the will of Allah, to set us apart from the nonbelievers.
Just like the Jews, then?
[He glares at me. Uncomfortable silence.]
Jerry [breaking the tension]: I'm cut, myself. I've got to admit I admire so much of what Osama has done -- being religious, bringing the holy writings back into government -- and I certainly support circumcision when the circumstances dictate it. But in my case I think it must have been a Jewish doctor that did the deed to me, and since the Jews aren't going to heaven.... well, I'll have to think about it.
Ever thought of getting your foreskin restored?
[Osama rolls his eyes in disgust.]
Jerry: Honestly? [He pauses.] Well, yeah.
[Osama does a double-take and appears shocked]: Jerry!
Jerry [hastily]: But I wouldn't! No, I wouldn't.
What's your prick's favorite place to go?
Jerry: Up the vagina of some sweet choirmaster's wife.
Osama: Up the vagina inside one of those sexy babes dressed in black you see all over Saudi Arabia.
What's your prick's favorite place to go that YOU would rather it DIDN'T go?
Osama [after thinking a bit]: Up the vagina of a blue-eyed, blonde, U.N. peace negotiator from Oslo. Either that or Jane Fonda, dressed like in Barbarella. Or maybe one of the chicks from Baywatch.
Jerry: Oooh, that's hot!
Osama: Of course we censor all of the decadent American TV shows. Except for Baywatch. Baywatch is the only one we run uncensored, just so we can see for ourselves what the decadent Americans do.
Jerry: Wow. Cool! But I'd have to say, up the vagina of a brown-eyed, short-cropped-afro, high-class black-as-coal blues singer. Especially one who sings those really really dirty old-fashioned nigra songs.
What makes a prick good-looking?
Osama: If he's got a long beard and a big submachine gun and a hairy chest. I myself am smooth. We all want what we do not have, no?
Jerry: If he's got good hair for TV and can ask for money with a sincere expression on his face.
No, no... not 'prick' as in 'person' but 'prick' as in 'penis'.
Both [in shock]: Ewwww... yuck!
Is your father cut or uncut?
Osama: Cut. He is a devout Muslim.
But you are estranged from your family back in Saudi Arabia, are you not?
Osama: I would rather not talk about my family.
Why not?
Osama: I might have to kill them someday. [He adjusts his robes in the crotch region.]
[To Falwell] And you?
Jerry: Uncut. [A pause.] The bastard was uncut.
Does your father have a big prick?
Jerry [immediately]: Oh, yes. Oh, God, yes!
How big?
Jerry: Twelve. At least.
Do you have any kids?
Osama: No.
Jerry: Yes, a wonderful boy and two beautiful girls.
What have you learned about pricks by watching the development of your son and his prick?
Jerry: Well, I've followed with them the same worship ritual as my father performed with me. Once a week, the four of us get naked and... [seeing my shocked reaction]. Uh, sorry... [Awkward pause.] Uh, no. Let's talk about something else.
Does your prick have a name?
Jerry: No.
[Long pause; bin Laden looks uncomfortable.]
Jerry [with a mischievous gleam in his eye]: His is 'Scud'!
Osama [glaring]: Jerry!
'Stud'?
Jerry: No, 'Scud'.
Has it EVER had a name, like when you were younger?
Jerry: Actually, yeah. When I was a boy I called it Jesus H. Christ.
Jesus H. Christ?
Jerry: Yeah, my father swore a lot, and he started everything with "Jesus H. Christ".
Just for the record, what's your prick doing right now?
Osama: It is, following Allah's will, decreasing in size after its recent provocation.
Jerry: It's rock hard, pushing my underpants out the top of my dress pants.
Nowadays, during an average week, how many people see your prick?
Jerry: Just four: My wife, and the three little ones.
Osama: My 20 bodyguards and advisors, during our ritual cleansing baths, and my 4 wives.
What's the shortest length of time you've ever had between two orgasms?
Jerry: The length of time it took me to recite the Lord's Prayer. It was when I was a teenager and learned to jack off. I came for the first time, then I recited the prayer. And then it happened again!
Osama: Actually, I've already mentioned it. The length of time between the fall of each of the two World Trade Center towers.
Guys I interview for Prick of the Week usually are exhibitionistic -- at least a little. Think back in your life to any times when you may have fantasized or thought about showing off your prick to someone else, on purpose. How old were you the FIRST time you had a thought or a fantasy like that?
Osama: Eight.
Jerry: Twelve.
What was the fantasy?
Jerry: I'd be leading an evangelical prayer session in front of a thousand friends of Jesus. I'd be reaching the climax of my sermon, and a sweet black gal from the choir would have been sneaking up behind me. She'd pull my pants down suddenly and without warning, and my prick would pop up out of my underpants. I'd cum immediately -- all over the big Bible in front of me.
Did you ever carry it out?
Jerry: Uh, no. [He pauses.] Well, not really.
Not really?
Jerry: Well... I once did do it that way, but she was a prostitute. And there was no one in the auditorium except the two of us. But I imagined that there were. We kind of set it up ahead of time.
How about you, Osama?
Osama: My brother and I had a favorite game. We would play with Legos, and each of us would build a very slim, tall building. We'd pick them up and start using them as swords, whacking them up against each other. One night, I dreamt that while we were whacking away, my mother was sneaking up behind me and suddenly pulled my tunic up over my head. I was bare-assed naked, still whacking away with the Legos. As the Lego buildings fell apart into little blocks of rubble, I ejaculated. It was my first wet dream.
And did you ever carry it out?
[He looks at me as if I'm the most incredibly stupid person on the face of the earth.]
Has anyone other than you ever touched your prick in a sexual way in a church?
Jerry: Oh, yeah. Big time!
Osama: In a church? Yes. In a mosque? No.
Which would you prefer: To live in a world where everyone had to be naked all the time -- men and women -- or to live in a world where you had to be naked all the time but everyone else was clothed?
Jerry: Where everyone had to be naked all the time. I could just pretend I wasn't seeing any of the guys. But seeing naked chicks all the time would be really heavenly.
Osama: I would prefer to live in a world where women had to be naked around me all the time, but had to wear long robes covering them from head to foot whenever they were around other men.
What's the most embarrassing thing your prick ever did?
Osama: My prick has never embarrassed me, praise Allah.
Jerry: Well, let's see... there was that time when you and I were fooling around, remember? We had just finished working out at my gym at home. I noticed you getting a stiffie and suddenly I noticed that I was getting one, too. But when we tried fooling around with it, it wouldn't go in!
Osama: [Glares at me, then at Jerry] We were just fooling around, you understand. It wasn't sex.
In your whole life, what event or situation made your prick the hardest it has ever been?
Osama: I think it must have been while I was watching the execution of a homosexual sodomite being crushed by a brick wall we toppled onto him. At the exact moment I was also fucking wife #3 and had my hand up the vagina of wife #2.
How long ago was that?
Osama: Yesterday. I was also watching CNN replay the moment that the jet crashed into the second tower.
Tell me about the first time your prick was photographed.
Jerry: I was in Bible school and I desperately needed a few dollars to pay the tuition. I hustled a bit, picked up an older gentleman, and I let him suck my dick for $20. Then he took me home to the rectory and he shot photos of me in the chapel for an extra $100.
Osama [blushing]: I was drunk! It was my first year at the Saudi university. Somehow we all got drunk and the next day I found a Polaroid of me, naked, fucking with my prick between the cushions of the living room couch.
That's funny... that's exactly the way that I...
Osama: That you what?
Uh... well, let's go on. Has your prick ever been published in a magazine?
Osama: No.
Jerry: Yes, but they'll never prove it was me.
Which magazine?
Jerry: American Geographic.
On the Internet?
Osama: No.
Jerry: No. Your interview will be the first time.
Has your prick ever been exposed to view against your will?
Osama: Just that time they took that Polaroid after I got drunk.
Jerry: No sir.
Now I have a few religious questions. Is your God all-powerful?
Both [together]: Of course!
Did your God create heaven and earth?
Both [together]: Absolutely!
Is your God a man?
Both [together]: Of course! [They turn and look at each other, then chuckle.]
Will your God reward the just and punish the guilty, in the afterlife?
Both [together]: Yes!
Is your God the only one with such enormous powers?
Both [together]: Of course! There is only one God.
Osama: And Mohammed is his prophet.
So let's see if I understand this correctly. God is a man who is all-powerful, created heaven and earth, rewards the just, and punishes the guilty in the afterlife. Now if there's only one such individual, then both of you must be worshiping the same God, correct?
[They think about this for a few seconds.]
Osama: That is very wise.
Jerry: Jesus H. Christ, I never thought of it that way. But of course!
[Enraptured, they turn toward each other, pause for a moment, and then embrace. Furiously, quickly, they then tear off each other's clothes and start to hug and kiss each other.]
Does your God like homosexuals?
Both [together, gagging]: Eeeeuw! Yuck! No! Never! [Osama spits into the corner.]
What punishment does your God mete out to homosexuals?
Osama: Death!
Jerry: Damnation in the afterlife. Probably death in this life, but recently He seems to have been punishing them with AIDS and other pestilences.
[They continue their embrace.]
Do you think that America should become a theocracy?
Osama: Indeed!
Jerry: Yes!
What is the proper punishment for a homosexual?
Osama: The Koran says stoning, so we throw the degenerate into a pit and topple a wall of stones over on top of him.
Jerry: At the Thomas Road Baptist Church in Falls Church, Virginia, we think that's way harsh. Putting them in the stocks, like the Puritans did, and letting people throw things at them is definitely a better way to go.
Have you ever had trouble with this punishment?
Jerry: Oh, absolutely. The court system here won't let us do it. Ridiculous!
Osama: Yes, a few homosexuals survived our punishment. So now we hire a bulldozer to run over the wall after it's toppled -- several times, if needed to do the job. Back and forth.
Jerry: One thing you gotta hand those Muslims... they don't fuck around!
[Osama smiles.]
Now back to theology. Did your prophet marry?
Both [together]: Heavens, no!
Did your prophet lust after women?
Both [together]: Absolutely not!
You know, I couldn't help noticing that after you two of you got naked, you haven't been able to keep your hands off each other. Isn't that kind of... gay?
Both [together, gagging]: Eeeeuw! Yuck! No! Never!
Why not?
Jerry: Jesus had only male disciples, and was naked with them during a baptism. But no one has ever said He was gay!
Osama: Muhammed had many male disciples, some of whom were very poor and were probably unclothed. But no one has ever said that our Prophet, may praise be upon him, had sinful homosexual desires like swine.
Speaking of swine, are there gay pigs?
Osama: Of course not. Homosexuality is unnatural.
[I
snap a photo of the two of them with their arms around each
other.] Jerry, where did you get that crown you're wearing?
Jerry: I found it right here when we came outdoors for the interview.
Did you know that's the crown worn by the winner of the Mr. GNI contest? The gay nudist group?
Jerry: A, uh, a, uh... a gay homosexual nudist has worn this crown?
Yes. [He quickly tears off the crown and throws it away.]
Speaking of gay nudists, in the World Trade Center bombing there was a gay nudist I know who died when the building collapsed. What is your opinion of that?
Osama: A nudist? A gay nudist?
Yes. [A pause.]
Jerry: Well, he deserved it. His sinfulness was obviously part of why God chose Osama to torment America. Just the point I made on The 700 Club.
Osama: It is just. Perfectly just. It is exactly the same punishment -- is it not obvious? -- that we mete out to our own homosexual degenerates. [He pauses for a moment to think, then continues with the thrill of conviction in his voice.] Yes. Oh, yes! It is entirely just. [Another pause.] Thank you so much for informing me of that fact.
Jerry: God's in His heaven, all is right with the world, eh? [He smiles.]
What do you like the most about your prick?
Jerry: I like the way it gets rock hard after I give a particularly fiery sermon.
Osama: It has directed many, many of my most effective campaigns and decisions.
What do you like the least about your prick?
Jerry: I wish I had two of them.
Osama: It sometimes gets hard when I least expect it. [He looks down.] Like now, for instance.
What do you like the most about being a prick?
Jerry: The respect I get from all the wonderful religious people who compliment me on my good looks. [After a pause, realizing his slip of the tongue:] Uh, my good works.
Osama: The way it makes the unjust quake. Overpowering someone's will is a very addictive power to possess.
Anything else you'd like to say about pricks in general or your prick in particular?
Osama: I love 'em!
Jerry: I love 'em, too. Especially you, Osama!
Osama: Oh, Jerry, you're such a tease.
Jerry: Just wait till I get the ropes out, honey!
Osama: And when are you going to do that??
Jerry: Tonight, if you'll let me.
Osama: Sounds good to me.
Jerry: Oh, Osama...
[I interrupt their conversation:] Thank you very little!
Both: You're welcome!
|
You're |
|
||
|
|
||
|
|
Copyright © 2002 - 2004 phdtop.com. All rights reserved.
here
